Monday, October 17, 2011

And Another Thing, Get Off My Lawn!!

My husband got a new cell phone.

His contract was up and his current phone was crappy.

Anyway, since the new iPhone whatever just came out, the not-so-new-and-barely-old iPhone whatever is now drastically reduced in price by $600 thereby catapulting it into our meagre price range and allowing us to have hip and trendy phoning, surfing, texting and whatever else-ing capabilities.

Of course, by "our" I mean "our". And by "us" I mean "him".

But that's ok.  I have a cell  phone.  Granted, it is a hand-me-down phone from my mother-in-law who handed it down to my father-in-law (remember him? The one who mumbles about pie?) who handed it down to me when he got a new phone.  Come to think of it, I think he's gotten one or two new phones since then...

But I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I have options, you know?  I mean, I could use my husbands old, crappy phone.  Or one of many old phones that still work that people I know have abandoned to get the newest iPhone this-n-that or slide out whatchamacallit.  Or I'm sure with little to no convincing I could even get a new free phone from the powers-that-be.

But honestly?  I don't even want to.

What was that?  Did I just hear a resounding "Why?" emanating from the blogosphere?  Am I boycotting this wonderful technology?  Am I sitting on a high horse, looking down my nose at all things "i"?  Heavens-to-Betsy, of course not!  It's not that at all!

It's just that my cell phone is AWESOME.

You know how when some people enter a room and all heads turn to behold their presence?  Well, that's how it is when I make a phone call.  All eyes are on me.  Well, actually my phone.  But at that point it's attached to my hand so we might as well be one and the same - bottom line: IT'S A SHOW STOPPER.  Take a look.

I pull my lovely (let's call it navy) blue phone from my bag - its wrist strap dangling wistfully as I poise my hand at the ready - but just when the onlookers think I'm about to start pressing numbers, they are taken aback (!) as I quickly flip open the... flip... thing to reveal the humble keypad and its classic silicone number buttons.  (At this instant, if one is extremely astute and perceptive, one might even catch a glimpse of the glimmer in my eye as I contemplate - just for a moment! - the artfully pixillated digits on the neon green display screen!)

 After the chosen number has been remembered and keyed into the phone, the onlookers are surprised once again (!) by a skillfully choreographed flourish of my hand as it PULLS UP THE ANTENNA in a glorious display of both grace and dexterity.

 At this point, I am filled with contentment because, once again, the use of my cell phone has brought happiness into the heart of whomever is with me.  I can tell because they are laughing.  (This laughter, however genuine, is often bewilderingly accompanied by shocked phrases such as, "WHAT is THAT?!" or "Is THAT your PHONE?!".  I'm not entirely sure why... but as long as the statements are paired with laughter, I'm of the opinion that it matters not.  Bringing a little joy into the world is enough for me.   I don't need to get bogged down in the details of things.  Plus, a little mystery is good for the soul, I always say.)

 And so there you have it.  Why on earth would I want to "upgrade" my phone?  It still works fine! I mean really, sliding keyboards? Pretentious!  Touch screens?  Lazy!!  And who really needs to text, anyway? It's just a passing fad!!  And another thing, get off my lawn!!


  1. Okay, that was hilarious! And the illustrative photos were the finishing touch! lol I too ascribe no personal status to the phone I use, and people have real trouble with that! Keep up the good work, Luddite!

  2. Oh indeed, I did actually LOL. I did! And now I am incredibly moved by hearing about your humble phone. ;)

    Very funny Nat!

  3. OMG! Now that was good. I love the way you have your hand poised with the antenna, you look like you are modeling the latest Samsung phone out. Makes me want that same model. Does it come in pink? It's a great ice breaker and conversation starter for sure. I think my 15 yr old would not be happy though, she would text me even though we are in the same room and be like WTF, SMH, all that texting crap. Well the good thing about you not joining in the texting fad is that you won't have severe carpal tunnel in your wrist and stiff thumbs in three years.


  4. Oh Natalie... you are hysterical! I love the pictures. They truly capture the essence of your phone in all its glory!

    Loved this post so much, I tweeted about it(FYI - tweeting is micro-blogging via texting on cellular devices... or something like that).

    Yeah, so I tweeted about your post, on my iphone... while standing on your grass.

  5. So I giggled inside as I read your eloquently insightful stream of though (and especially enjoyed the dig at Andrew), but I let out an inadvertent laugh/snort when I reached your grumpy-old-man exclamation mark at the end. I'll be passing this along as I sit here in traffic.

  6. Thanks, everyone!

    Zee - Thanks for stopping by! And if I ever see one of these little lovelies in pink you will be the first to know :)

    Jennifer - Haha! Tweeting? It's for the birds!!

  7. John! I'm so happy that I made you giggle in traffic!!

  8. Wow! Wendy is speechless! How rare ;)

  9. Stephania DesmaraisOctober 26, 2011 at 11:56 AM

    Um so so funny. But should you not include your cell phone post under favorite things? Considering you think it is awesome and all. Just a stray thought. HA!

  10. Yes! Stephania, I was thinking about that just last night! I will definitely post it there. Thanks for the reminder ;)

  11. Awesome, indeed. And should your beautiful blue phone ever die (I shudder to imagine...), my dad just joined the iPhone revolution -- I know this because he calls me to ask various "app" questions frequently, and has yet to figure out how to text me back -- and retired his own beautiful blue phone complete with antenna. I am sure he would be glad to provide a replacement should you ever need it. Though I'm not sure if his screen says AWESOME.

  12. Thanks, Erin. It's good to know I have a backup if I need it. Haha.

  13. LOVE it! Where can I buy one? ;-)

  14. I'm sure it going to be the next hot retro item so it should be in high end boutiques very soon. Otherwise, you could always check out your local eco-station.

  15. Love your post, especially the picture of the antenna!
    If you every update your phone be sure to keep this one in a memory box. I kinda wish I still had my first carphone (the ones people had before cell phones came out). It was the size of a shoebox and plugged into my lighter. Awesome indeed.

  16. Now that is awesome, lol. Great post, you made me laugh :)

    Audri (Rediscovering Our Family)

  17. Thanks, Audri! And thanks for stopping by :)


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